Boys don't Cry?

I come from a close-knit Hispanic family with Asian background. In my culture, when a couple gets married, they are expected to set up their own household, but still remain in close contact with members of their extended family. Cousins grow up together with the same love as if they were siblings, and weekends, birthdays and holidays are spent as large gatherings where everyone gets together to celebrate. These strong ties share a sense of support in case of any family crisis, as well as ideas and beliefs that are carried on through generations.

One of the ideologies that are shared is the notion that men don't cry. Many parents teach their sons that as men, they should only cry privately, except during time of extreme sadness or grief. Marcus, my four year old nephew is one of them. Whenever Marcus is reprimanded for doing something he's not supposed to, he nods and quietly listens, but quietly goes and does it all over again. Whenever he has fallen, or hit himself while playing, he gets up and things could go two ways; either sadly shows his bruise or kicks and hits the object that made him fall, whether it be a ball or a bike, but doesn't cry. Whenever he wants something that he cannot get, like a toy or a sweet treat, he waits until he gets a chance, sneaks and grabs whatever he wanted, and runs away. Although his behavior is typical of a four year old child, curious, naughty and mischievous, at such short age, Marcus  has been taught that boys don't cry, so he performs accordingly. 

My sister Sunling, and Ruben are Marcus' parents. They say that it is a way of teaching him self-control so that later on, he doesn't get bullied or made fun of for being overly sensitive. These ideas of masculinity derived by a certain behavior are shared by most, if not all of the rest of my family, and I find that they are commonly expressed in society today.

"Boys are supposed to be tough," Sunling says. "He has to learn that there are things that are not worth crying about."

Part of her argument comes from the messages that are given by the media. Often times, the media delivers the message that boys should grow up to be tough and brave, and any sign of weakness is frowned upon.
Even from an early age, television shows that cater to kids portray the image of masculinity in which the hero, often times a boy, is overly masculine and tough.

The good news is that children can be taught otherwise. Parents can educate their children about the messages that that they see and give their children the strength and guidance to be go against these messages.

"Boys are really desperate to understand how to become men. And they often are taught by their peers and older boys that there are certain things that will prevent you from becoming a man. These things are associated with what boys would define as soft and some of us would define as kind and caring. We have to help boys understand that growing into a man is not something that your actions or your beliefs can prevent from happening. That the standards of manhood are not defined by street culture but are defined by a set of values surrounding family, self and community," says Geoffrey Canada, Author of the book Fist Stick Knife Gun, a Personal History of Violence in America.


In a 2010 longitudinal study by Arizona State University, Professor Carlos Santos followed 426 boys through middle school to find out how boys favor stereotypically male qualities over stereotypically feminine qualities and if they have an influence on their psychological well-being.

The results showed that as boys reached adolescence, they tend to over embrace masculine stereotypes. But boys who remained close to their mothers did not act as tough and were more emotionally available. The reseach showed that closeness to fathers did not seem to have the same effect.

This is important because male suicide rates reportedly start to rise at age 16. Staying connected to their emotions shows a decrease in depression rates in men, and the ability to express their anger in healthier ways.

 In the book Why Boy’s Don’t Talk — and Why It Matters, authors Susan Morris Shaffer and Linda Perlman Gordon say that it is very important for parents to connect to their sons because, “when boys don’t talk, we assume that they don’t feel…We don’t get to fully know them; we end up validating only one part of them. It matters because when boys don’t talk, it inhibits intimacy....we shortchange their emotional growth; as a result, parts of boys remain hidden.”

From a health perspective, research shows that crying is linked to significant health benefits.

In an article on Helium.com,  Dr. Kevin Keough says that "commonly, people report they feel some sense of relief after a bout of crying. There is general agreement that there is a significant increase in the number, type and amount of stress hormones released in our bodies prior to crying. Consistently, researchers find that tears contain stress hormones. This is a critical finding since we know stress hormones cause damage to virtually all bodily systems. During the last decade, stress hormones have been shown to cause serious damage to brain cells. Stress hormones have seem to target specific parts of the brain including the hippocampus, hypothalamus, and pre-frontal cortex. Unfortunately, stress hormones attack the very brain sites implicated in the perpetuation of mood disorders. As a result, stress hormones damage the exact sites capable of reducing or eliminating the release of the toxic stress hormones."

"Finally, extensive biomedical studies demonstrate that stress hormones negatively affect virtually every system in the body including the cardiovascular, gastrointestinal, endocrine, musculoskeletal, and immune systems," he says. "It is clear that crying is a primary way for the body to eliminate harmful stress hormones. Thus, crying is a natural and essential biological function that results in the elimination of stress hormones connected to every imaginable stress related health problem. The 21st century has started by removing any doubt about the positive health effects of crying."

 From a historical perspective, tears were seen as a sign of strength and manliness. It meant that a man cared enough about a topic to display emotion. Even skillful politicians and great leaders like Abraham Lincoln used tears as part of their speeches.

In a study performed by Penn State University, researchers explored the perception that we have of crying men and women. In their finding, they saw that men received a more positive response than women.

In an article by the Associated Press, Stephanie Shields, the psychology professor who conducted the study said that "Women are not making it up when they say they're damned if they do, damned if they don't. If you don't express any emotion, you're seen as not human, like Mr. Spock on 'Star Trek,'".

"But too much crying," she said,"Or the wrong kind, and you're labeled as overemotional, out of control, and possibly irrational."

TV as Teacher

As far as nephew is concerned, the cultural identity and the ideology that comes with parenting makes it difficult to change my sister's points of view. But either way, I encourage her and any other parent to talk to their children about what defines masculinity. Traits like kindness, thoughtfulness and responsibility should be included in its definition. To counteract the media's portrayal of masculinity, parents should also expose their children to examples of men who demonstrate greatness in ways other than physical strength or toughness. For their children's sake, aside from being active media consumers, parents must always think critically of the messages are being delivered to their children; those messages will determine the kind of people that their children will grow up to be.